Last night I saw me in my dream. I was young and wild. Like an insanely crazy fucker. And he told me that he is sorry for me. He said I am not me anymore. Might be he is referring to the old version of me when I was young. And I think he is right. I think along the way, I lost myself and start being someone else that I am not.
It’s been 5 years that I came in uk. I had a dream when I was in my country Nepal. I wanted to be popular and a legend. Like the one people talks about all time. I wanted to left my footprint in this world. I used to see this world in a different way and wanted to be appreciate and known by everyone. Those childhood dreams. I was insanely crazy. I used to do things that people thought it is dangerous. I still remember my friends saying, ‘‘you are going to die if you do that’’ but I end up doing it anyway. I was just around age of 14. And by doing something that others cannot do always used to make me profoundly happy and that’s when I start becoming fearless. I still remember when I was doing this back flip, I land with my head on the ground and I had to take a rest for 6 month. And there was a time when I climbed the tree which was tallest among all. My friends warned me but I didn’t listen. And when I got to the top, I fall down accidentally and nearly broke my back bone. And I cannot forget about that all big accidents of my life where I smashed my shin bone or fractured my both hands and legs several times. I still have scars but I love it.
Every week I used to go to this place and train alone. And whenever I come back, I used to come with bruises and sprained wrist and ankle. There wasn’t a single day I didn’t have injuries and a sore body. But it always made me happy. It made me feel like I am doing something and I didn’t spend any of my day doing nothing. I was just surrounded by my endorphins so I never felt like there is nothing that I cannot do. And I was happy. That was me.
I spend most of my childhood alone. Always wandering around and disappearing in woods. Never felt like I have to make many friends and hang around with them. I still don’t know how I would be if I have hang around with those guys. Prolly a very bad guy. My circle was small and there was only some people in that circle. And they were the best. They taught me about friendship and other every things. But most of the time, I was alone thinking about the meaning of life and about my dream. My dream pushed me forward. I kept on grinding and training everyday, hoping one day I will make it. And whenever I used to told others about my dream, they used to think I am crazy or some kind of idiot.
But I was happy with what I was doing. I never worried about what others will think about me or whether I will get to my dream or not. I just gave my best everyday and have no regret about it. And I came uk. And along with the time and environment, I am changed. I stopped doing what I love and that’s when the fear start occupying my soul. After I came here, I start to know that those childhood dreams are just a dream. This world is big.
Now, I am 21. And looking back at my life, I think I am changed. My perspective of life has changed. I don’t want to be popular and a legend anymore. I just want to live my life safe and sound. I want to get marry one day and make kids. I want to see them growing up and them having their own family. And now, I start having an idea of what I want to be in a future. I have made up my mind and set up my goals. Those childhood dreams and the goals that I have right now is completely different and it makes much more sense. And I am looking forward to get there because I know this one is thrilling as before. But I think I grew up a little bit. But this person that I want to be in future forced me to stop doing what I loved to do. I stopped doing crazy things coz I am afraid that what if, what if I break my leg or get permanent injury. I start thinking too much about my family and my people who are in my small circle. I start overthinking and assuming things that doesn’t exist. It already start affecting my personal life. Even though I still believe in myself, I feel like by stopping those things that I used to do is not making me myself. I am not feeling myself. I am not me anymore.
But this dream that I had last night made me to think again. I start questioning myself, what’s the point of going in future if I am not living in my present. If I just became that person who I want to be without being me then that’s not gonna be a real me. He will be just a guy who got there without doing things that he love. And I don’t want to get there without living my life in fullest. And without doing things that I love to do, without cherishing an endorphins that I am capable of releasing it. So I decided that I will live my present life by being me. Obviously I am not gonna jump from a tree or by doing those insanely crazy things but will work hard, train hard and do things that makes me feel alive. And if anything happen to me in future, I am not gonna regret it. I will keep trying to live my life In fullest. Not from tomorrow but from today…