What my inner-self thinks of…

Sometimes I think of packing my stuff in that small black suitcase.



          Sometimes I think of packing my stuff in that small black suitcase that laying there in the corner of my room. Put two or three of my favourite t-shirt which I bought last week from River Island. And that denim jacket from Topman and my favourite black pant, actually 2 of them. I prefer wearing in black color because I don’t know why, I always used to wear black since I remember. And that sunglass I bought from Sunglass Hut to wear in summer when I planned with my friend to go in Durdle Door beach, I will packed it as well. I like to read so I might go to Waterstones to buy some books so I can read in my spare time. And my trainer shoes which I have bought in £120. I really worked hard and saved money for that. It makes me laugh when I think how obsessed I was, I was willing to work extra hours to buy shoes and clothes from Nike brand. I worked so hard. Oh! that white scarf, that scarf she gave it to me, probably she forgot about scarf and about me. But I will definitely take that scarf with me because it holds an unforgettable memory of me and her or us. She might be cuddling now with her boyfriend or watching movie in Netflix that we were planned to watch when it comes online. Or probably on her bed alone, resting her head and missing me dearly.


          I think I will sell my motorbike in fair price if I need extra money, or just leave it at home to rust. I love my bike and I will try as much as possible not to sell it and ask my friend to come over my house to heat her engine so she can stay fresh when I am gone. I might buy flight ticket on online or from the agent. I don’t know. I will do whichever I feel cheap because I don’t want to waste much money in flight. I am not fancy with high accommodation or business class seat, I am happy with cheap and fair economy seat but with trustable airlines. And I think, I will withdraw all of my money from my bank account, I don’t know how much I have in saving but I am confident enough to manage it. I might hide my cash in inner pocket of my bag so no one can notice it. I will not give my bag to anyone or leave it in a table or in a seat when I go to bathroom. I always have this bad habit of forgetting my stuff in a place. Last time I forget my wallet and left it in Starbucks and later when I went there, I couldn’t find it. Might be someone took it. It really gave me a problem because I had to apply for a new oyster card, debit and credit card and my provisional license.  Yea! I will keep my bag with myself all the time because I will have my important documents, notebook, headphone and stuffs in my bag. I can’t trust anyone, I never did.


          I think I am not going to tell everyone that I am leaving London or England. I will tell some of my good friend to whom I trust kinda bit than other.  They are my insurance. If I get any problem I know I can count on them. I can see that in their face that they will help me in my worst situation. But I will not try to bother them unless I have to. They are my good friend, actually best one I made after I came in UK. I came here 3 year ago, I didn’t make many friends, I don’t know might be I spend my childhood in Nepal so I can’t get along much with people in here. But some are good. They are really good friends. We enjoyed lots. Did party all the time, went drunk on that Lido side or went wastage in that night party. I still remember we slept in that park in cold weather when we were drunk. I think it was on December. Best memories with my friends. After this, I will miss them. I don’t think I will call them but I will miss them.


          I am still thinking, I don’t know what to tell my parents. Should I tell them a truth or just make something up and lie to them. I might lie to my father, not like he cares about me anyway. He might will be happy when he hear that I am leaving. Nah! I am sure his face will shine when I go. I will tell my mother not to worry about me, I think I will lie to her. I will tell her I am leaving but I think I will lie to her about my destination. I will give little hug to my little brother. We always do this fist-bump when we see each other or time when I go to college. So I will do fist-bump with him. I might hit little harder so it will hurt him and remember me all the time: last fist bump with his elder brother. And I will kiss him in his cheek. He is so chubby and cute, I can’t ignore myself on the last day. And I think I will go to Heathrow Airport in cab; it only cost £20. I can pay that. We have a car in our house. But I think my mother will have work on that day so she will take it for her morning shift. Nah! I am fine, I think I will take cab. It’s affordable anyway.


          I think I will text her that I am leaving London. I told her last time as well that I will disappear one day from everyone. She smiled at me at that time. She guessed that I will move to America. I thought at that point that I told her when we were together about me moving; we moving to another place. She wished me luck on that day. It still hurts. Still hurts because she didn’t ask me why, she didn’t convince me not to go. She just smiled. We didn’t even hug on that day. Not like couple hug but normal; friend kind of thing. I wanted to hug her, feel her, touch her but her bus came and she went in a hurry. I don’t know why she rushed all of sudden. I remember she told me she has nothing to do on that day. She lied to me I guess. She has plan with her boyfriend I guess. She has to go somewhere else with her boyfriend. Probably on the park to cuddle and kiss. Like we did when we were together. Or they were planning to go theater to watch that show. I don’t know. I am not her. Now, I don’t understand her, I can’t feel her and I don’t know what she is thinking. She left me on that day without hugging or saying goodbye. Just waving her hand from the bus. But I will text her. I will tell her goodbye. I will tell her I am going for forever. I will wait her text or maybe call. But I think she will not call me. It will only be 7 am in the morning so she might will be sleeping. Sleeping with him. Laying her head on his chest, dreaming about their future, about family, about small kid between them. Like we dreamed when we’re together. I think she will not call me. She has already replaced me with him. She has forgotten me: long time ago.


          I think I will stand in front of the Heathrow Airport like a statue. Doing nothing. Just standing. People will stare at me and think I am lost. It’s okay for me if they stare at me or wonder about me, because I will have stood there since morning and it will be afternoon already. But I will be still standing there doing nothing, not stepping any step, keeping my phone in airplane mode and listening music from WiFi. And  I think I will smile and say to myself at the end; she guessed wrong. I am not going to America. I am not going to any country. I don’t have plan. I haven’t bought ticket for any place. I lied to everyone. And I think I will catch national express train from there. I will buy a ticket for any place, for any corner of this world. And like I said to everyone: I will disappear after that. Forever!!


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